Category: Comedy (Page 3 of 3)

“While we were courting, I noticed that whenever it rained a little her eyes would light up, and she’d whisper to herself, ‘weather for leather.’ I thought nothing of it for I assumed she meant she would get the proper gear for a rainy day. Yeah, she did…but it was not what I had imagined.

“On our honeymoon, lightning and thunder filled the sky and the rain commenced a heavy downpour just as I turned out the lights in our newly- wed suite.

“In no time at all, she whipped out some leather and all i could do was run helter-skelter buck naked from that room. I never looked back…and up to today whenever a date tells me she likes weather for leather, I take off full speed”…”The Life and Times of Johnny Amazon”

Indeed, meeting people in the city can present a range of challenges – for both men and women. Some are brave enough to adopt extreme measures like going up to someone and claiming to be lost and in need of directions, pretending to be a talent scout, showing up at picnics in the park where one’s name is not on the guest list, and a range of other techniques.

Then when one does meet someone, one has to try to weed out the fakes, those with hidden agendas, those fronting, those double parked while promising to spend eternity with you, those who are as real as the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, people who are after your wallet, your body, your belongings, and the list goes on.

Yes indeed, one can walk up to anybody in the subway and meet him or her – but meeting a genuine, real person is sometimes quite a challenge here in the city.

Yeah, I’ve decided that the only way to meet genuine people is to be sincere and up-front about your intentions and say what you’re looking for in a relationship – be it romantic, sexual, short-term, long-term, etc.

The next time I meet a lingerie model at my neighborhood bar here in the city and she invites me home for coffee, I’ll just ask her to be candid and let me know what her intentions are. Is it coffee or is it coffee? It may very well be that I’ll acquiesce to what she’s seeking but I’d rather she come clean about her intentions.

Oh well, I did meet another Victoria’s Secret Model the other day and asked her the same question in her Central Park West apartment after we met at a bar and she invited me over for coffee. Well, she got really upset and showed me the door!

But I’m a principled man, I wanted her to be honest with me. Hey, I can live proudly with myself as I spend long winter evenings under two quilts, three comforters, two blankets, looking at a nightgown catalog and seeing her there as I never saw her before and never ever will outside those pages!

LOL, you win some, you lose some. Principles before Love…just keep some blankets handy!!

“My neighborhood fortune teller just went out of business this past week! Apparently, the cops swooped down and caught her off-guard hiding receipts and failing to report income on her taxes.

“As she was led away in handcuffs, she was overheard muttering, ‘If only I had a fore-warning, I could have hidden all the documents!’ “

Referrals , My Friend?

A Peruvian friend of mine swore his sister would do the trick for me in getting me to meet some nice Latinas. Yeah, she introduced me to some alright – one was seeking a green card, the other was about to be deported, one was being fitted for new lower and uppers at the dentist, another was on a tummy tucking regimen, and when another giggled she made sounds that would put a rhino to shame. Yeah, they were all nice people. But I was looking for both nice and sexy.

Directions, Please!

I’m constantly encountering strange women that fascinate me. Story of my life – beautiful woman walks in front of me in subway car. I stand in awe. She gazes in my direction, makes eye contact, even asks directions. My knees buckle, I start to stammer, the directions won’t come out. Beautiful woman moves on to gray haired older guy horizontally bent over newspaper. He gives directions and even exits train with her to walk her to her address. I exit train, walk home by myself. Realize I got off at wrong stop. Once again I lose possible encounter with exotic stranger and miss stop to boot.

Nothing To Repent For?

In my own case, I often find myself regrettably, after a night of clubbing, ending up in church the next day with no sins on my record from the previous night for which to repent. And when I look behind all I see are a couple of ladies fixing their wigs, spitting gum, rubbing Bengay on their arms, and showing the marvels of Polident as they wink at me.

Chivalry Will Get You Nowhere!

A man has to be aware these days of strange vixens who wink and smile on a rainy day…no matter how lonely he might be here in NYC seeking a friend. I once took off my recently purchased Ralph Lauren overcoat and laid it on the street for the fair damsel I had never seen before but who was sultry looking and kept winking at me on a snowy, rainy winter evening years ago. She appeared to be distressed by the puddles all around near the traffic lights.

Not only did she take up my gallant gesture, she also took up my expensive overcoat, jumped into a cab and sped away leaving me shivering and ducking for shelter in a vain attempt to get some warmth. I ended up that night in a Mexican bar drinking tequila and talking to a drunk named Moe who kept telling me through hiccups and belches of the many lost overcoats he had witnessed from his bar stool near the window.

It’s funny how sometimes the mind reflects on some things long gone, or events that happened so many years ago. Take, for example, my early first experiences as an immigrant to the USA.

When I first set foot at JFK Airport, I noticed right away that America was a fast paced country and that the lifestyle was gonna be frenetic and frenzied. But I was equally surprised to hear everyone – from the Customs and Immigration Officer to the baggage attendant to the security officers – mutter about Moms under their breaths.

“These days, the ladies are not holding back like they used to before. I mean, every time I turn around – online or offline – I hear a woman whistling at some hunky dude, salivating, panting, and calling him sexy, as she dashes after him, knocking me out of the way.

“Now, I’m not an envious fella, but the only time I’ve ever been called hot was when I fell into a barbecue pit at a friend’s July 4th backyard party in Queens . And even then, the young lady reached in to grab the hot dogs and hamburgers instead of me”….”The Life and Times of Johnny Amazon”