Category: Comedy (Page 2 of 3)

“I thought for sure Cupid had finally struck and that there would be no escape for me. After all, for days and weeks and then months, I tossed and turned in my sleep each night; I could hardly eat or concentrate on work, writing, or studies; I lost my appetite even for all the mouth-watering dishes I’d normally devour in a minute. My face broke out in pimples and my eyes turned yellow.

“Surely, I reflected, these must be signs of falling madly in love – accompanied by love boils and all! Someone must have fallen for me, at last, and I too must have stumbled head over heels for that sexy lady at work or perhaps that curvaceous beauty in class.

“I sought confirmation from my shrink, lest my giddiness should get out of control. Alas, he advised that I take a laxative and set my bodily rhythm back in proper balance – for I was not in love but in need of a good cleaning out of the system.”…”The Life and Times of Johnny Amazon”

“I’ve noticed two new changes in my life recently.

“Firstly, many of my friends keep boasting about what hot, steamy sex lives they’re having. To that I always reply that I’m the better man because I go home and spend my time cultivating my artistic and cultural interests.

“It’s important to pay heed and listen carefully to what you hear whenever you are on a new date. Mis-hearing can cost you a wasted effort.

“I once misheard what a blind date was remarking, when she whispered to me softly, “I am a sex addict.”

“I later discovered, much to my chagrin, that what she said was that she was a TEXT addict..damn…now I spend all my nights hugging my pillow while she texts away…”…”The Life and Times of Johnny Amazon”

“I can never figure why some people get scared when there’s a full moon. I mean, that’s all just superstition. A full moon is no cause to be terrified! In fact, I feel quite the opposite. I’m usually so happy and excited that I run out of my house and prance around in my night wear shouting out loudly for all the world to hear what a lovely, bright evening it is!

“For some reason, my neighbors all slam their windows and doors shut. Phew! Sure is a mess living among people with false notions about moons and ladders and black cats!”.

“We all have some talent or expertise in life. If you are not excelling in something, switch to another, for it just means you’re in the wrong competition.

“Take me, for example, try as I may, i’ve never been a winner in a beauty contest. All my friends won titles like ‘Mr. Colgate,’ ‘Dashing Jim,’ ‘Hunk of the Week,’ and the like.

“Now, I could have hung my head in shame or knelt in a corner – but I didn’t! I switched gears and am now running for comic of the month.”….”Escapades of Miles Alex”

“In these days of political correctness and trying to do the right thing, both men and women need to ensure that there are no misunderstandings in their relationships with each other. For example, many ladies rightfully wanna know whether a man is actually trying to hit on them, is hitting on them, wants to hit on them, or none of the above. Below, ladies, are just a few friendly pointers from your friendly neighbor, Miles Alex.

“If a man tips his hat and says, ‘Good morning’ or ‘hello,’ he’s just being courteous. If he whistles as you walk by, check first to see if he’s blowing a flute, has on a turban, and carries a snake in a basket. If all of the above, then, no, he’s not hitting on you, he’s just a snake charmer seeking an audience.

“Many fellas in-box me all the time asking for advice on how to snag a lovely lady. They make me feel like a guru, an expert, or a sensation, just because I happen to have a gorgeous life partner, and the cutest ladies anywhere, on my friends’ list.

“Fellas, I’m just a simple, modest, self-effacing guy. I know nothing much about the art of dating or of the techniques that a man should use to attract a hot or sexy lady, or any lady for that matter. I’ve always been one to shyaway from drama or pretext or clever moves when it comes to the ladies. In my single days, I always pretended to be me and only me.

Bugs, Heat and Humidity or Not Ready For Chippindales

One of the biggest negs down there is the bugs, man. They used to crawl into all my clothes and cause me to suddenly do an unintended Chippendales for my lady friends. Got to the point where I walked around my house nude just to not feel a palmetto in my clothes.

Darned if I didn’t catch my next door neighbor, a lonely transplanted senior Southern widow from Atlanta, peeking through the window one day and doubling up in laughter. That hurt both my pride and my ventilation system to keep cool so much that I hightailed it out of Florida and never looked back.

Crawlies In My Undies

Lady friend of mine from NYC moved down and had a change of heart. One night she laid out her nightie and undies on the bed, hopped in the shower, came out and jumped right into to her fresh lingerie. Didn’t realize that some crawlie got in her lower undies while she was showering. I tell ya, she flew out of those drawers faster than Catwoman could say “meow.” She packed her bags and headed back to NYC in a jiffy!

Hey, don’t let that discourage you…do what another friend does down there…she gives every piece of clothing a thorough shaking before jumping into it.

“When I was a kid, Uncle Joe mentored me on the facts of life. One thing he always told me is, ‘Johnny, when you grow up, never chase after a woman. The key is to always play hard to get. If you run after them, they’ll feel superior and haughty. Turn the tables on them, and let them come after you!’

“Well, the years have gone by, I’m getting grey, and no woman is coming my way. I don’t know if it’s my hairstyle, my outfits, my personality, or my looks – but I’ve never had a lady run after me.

“She kissed me passionately at the start of our romance, softly whispering in my ears, ‘Darling, I’ve chosen you to be the one, and I’ll never leave you for another!’

“Years later, I stood bereft of everything but the clothes on my back and a half empty suitcase, wishing that she had chosen another and left me my possessions.”….”The Life and Times of Johnny Amazon”