“I guess there are some things in life that some men will never attain.
 
“I mean, all my life, I’ve seen lovely women go gaga over all kinds of fellas – except me. I’ve witnessed women sigh then faint at the beach when a dude would flex a muscle. I’ve seen gorgeous women run after guys who step out on a hot summer day clad in their tank tops and jogging pants.
 
“Whenever I do that, all I end up with is the neighbor’s Doberman chasing me down the street, barking loudly and angrily, while old women shriek in horror and hastily slam windows shut.
 
“Even on my honeymoon when I thought that at last I’d at least elicit a whistle from my lovely young bride, it was not to be. I entered the bedroom with the bouquet of flowers I’d just brought into the apartment. I did hear a whistle – but she grabbed the roses and asked me if I could turn off the kettle.”….”The Life and Times of Johnny Amazon”