Lunch Money

I remember in junior high when I’d wink at a girl and she’d spend her lunch money on me. Now she winks at me and I spend my paycheck on her.

Church Dance

My church holds a lovely dance once a month as part of our dance club events. Everyone gets dressed up in their Sunday best – men in tuxedos, ladies in flowing gowns, and we show up on a Sunday night in the old church barn. The Reverend and his wife lead us in some good old folksy square dancing. An old spinster member of our congregation acts as chaperone to ensure that dancing pairs keep a measurable distance of about 1.5 feet apart and that the only body contact is the occasional holding of hands.

We then take a break after a few dances and sit in opposite rows – men on one side and women on the other. The Reverend’s wife then serves us some nice homemade lemonade and freshly baked cookies.

After that repast, we then return to the floor and have a jolly time doing the Polka – in honor of the Central European founders of our church. After an hour or two the dance is over and the dance club chalks up another great event on its calendar.

Then under the supervision of our spinster deaconess, we men kneel and kiss the hands of our dancing belles and wish them a goodnight as we head home with wonderful memories of a great evening at our club!

Just Another Plain Man In The Big Apple

A plain man would be someone like me – he wears a mop head hairstyle, washed-out denim jeans year round, white T-shirt in the summer but goes out on a limb with a colored one in the winter. He walks around with a yellow notebook and Bic pen as if he’s on an important mission while he’s really just comparative shopping for the price of paper towels around his neighborhood.

He dresses plainly and speaks softly. When he approaches a woman he’s interested in at a party, his best line is, “Hey, haven’t I seen you before?” His wallet is usually empty except for car fare. At a ball game his only excitement is watching the mascots perform. In his entire lifetime, he’s gone on only one or two dates, he’s kissed a woman once on the cheek, eats peanut butter sandwiches daily, enjoys sitting on a park bench with his favorite parakeet, a Spider-Man comic book in his lap, and occasionally peering over his eyeglasses as a lovely woman passes by.

His whole demeanor spells plain, lacking enthusiasm or excitement, a man of modest attire and even more modest means. Any glance from a young female passerby is always to the older, grandfatherly, grey-haired, dapper gentleman strolling along beside him on a crowded street.

Rendezvous In The Park

I once was with a very attractive young woman, tightly holding hands as we caressed in Central Park one beautiful autumn evening a few years back. Suddenly, a pair of Polish women walked by muttering in their language, unaware that I was familiar with their dialect, “He ought to be ashamed, potbellied, goatee, toupee. Wonder where he got those red overalls and green shirt. And look at his yellow shoes. That cute chick must be loco to hang with that old geezer!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I later discovered that my lady friend also understood the dialect and I never heard from her again.

Pigeons, Go Away!

Pigeons have become a menace on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I can’t even use a terrace because of them – so I’d say I prefer the good old days when they would just fly away at the sight of a human being. Some people follow a strange religion that demands that they feed the pigeons on the street each day. Now the pigeons never leave for the parks anymore. They settle on people’s terraces, use it as a bathroom, lunch room, and bedroom with their mates.

You try to clean your terrace, but they come back with siblings and friends to throw a party and it’s back to square one. I’ve actually given up and don’t use the terrace anymore.

Oh, for the good old days when they would see a human being and at least fly off a little. Now they actually laugh at me when I try to shoo them off the terrace. They even bring their friends to join in my humiliation and to do a song and a dance right in front of me.